2002-12-23

 

Leda ran away last night. Given that I've never had a cat run away and return, I'm not hopeful that I'll ever see her again. It's so fucking unfair. I love that cat.

The whole thing reinforces something that's been weighing heavily on me as of late -- should we have even come here? That's not to say that things aren't going okay for us here. I work at the company that I always wanted to be a aprt of, but now where do I look for my "someday I'll get to do that"? I miss our house terribly, and the lifestyle we used to have. Now, I know that if we had stayed in Dallas, that things would have gotten really tight moneywise - keeping the house would have gotten difficult. But I still miss it awful. And now this? To have my baby kitty run off into the cold? I am so angry generally, and this has just pushed me over. It's gotten beyond, "maybe things would have been better if we hadn't come here." Now I find myself thinking, "maybe Stevie would be better off without me, since I don't seem to be able to do anything right." Certainly, I have to think that Leda would be better off right now if I hadn't selfishly dragged her halfway across the country.

And I know all that "things are tough all over so don't play 'what-if'" crap. I know that it would have sucked if we had stayed home...
but at least there I would have known where I stood.

I have a friend here - Karen. She's a really good person, a good friend. I'm very glad that I've gotten to know her and spend time with her. That wouldn't have happened if we hadn't come here. But that's a lot of percieved negatives for one relationship to outweigh. It's not fair to her to be counterbalance to so many things that (right now) seem dire and terrible.

I miss my kitty.

posted by bethanye 12:09:00 PM