Over the past few weeks, I’ve dug through a bunch of ancient blog posts that I’ve written here off and on for over twenty years. I wasn’t even 30 when I started this, and in a few weeks I’ll turn 50. Even in a world of “40 is the new 30” and similar headlines, there’s no way to look at 50 as anything other than solidly middle-aged. I watch the AARP ASMR videos on TikTok and laugh at the GenX in-jokes. I see the work from young activists and think “the kids are alright.”
Something about turning 50 means that even the secret fucks – the fucks I said I didn’t have but clearly was hoarding in the back of my mind – are gone. It’s freeing, but also strange. Typically, I spend early January thinking about any resolutions I’ll make for my birthday. This week, I’ve somehow been more… present? Content? Honestly I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s not that I don’t still want to improve, learn new things, take chances. I’ve started trying to learn the properties of the watercolors I bought years ago, and I’m doodling with the paints a few times a week. This isn’t something I could do when I bought them. The frustration that bubbled up from, well, just plain sucking at it was too much for me to easily manage. I set them aside and went back to my crosswords. Now here I am, back “water-doodling” in my journal and not giving a fuck. Like I said, freeing.
Maybe in part this freedom is from learning how to bake bread over the pandemic. A few years ago, baking anything with yeast was too intimidating for me to tackle. Now I make a loaf of sandwich bread at least twice a week, and the whole process is comfortable and even soothing. With a little luck, conquering this skill can help me push through the frustration that comes with trying something new. In the wise words of Jake the Dog:
So here’s to me finally – maybe – figuring out how to push through the critical “sucking at something” phase more often than I bail out on it.