Because we need to remember these things – especially how success correlates with likability, and that we still deserve that place at the table.
I’m not proud of the times I sat on the side of the room or in the back when it was clearly easy for me to sit at the table. I didn’t intend to be passive — in fact, occasionally I did it because I was sneaking into other work. Confession time: I guarantee that when I was in passive-mode, it’s because I wanted to be better-liked. I get so annoyed when I see women do this, but of course I’ve made the same error numerous times. So many of us fall into that seductive trap of desperately wanting to be liked while repeating to ourselves that we don’t really care.
In my career, I’ve encountered “surprise dislikes” numerous times, but they are always fresh and painful. I can remember each encounter vividly (or discovery in casual conversation — “Oh, I know you and JimBob don’t get along” when I had no particular interactions with JimBob). They sneak up on me. They can slap me in the face without warning in the oddest moments. It’s not that it gets worse. In the moment of rejection, even from someone *I don’t even LIKE*, I feel as acutely wounded as if it was a dear friend viciously attacking.
And then I keep going.
Not so long ago, I decided that I would rather be the kind of person who is surprised and hurt than someone who inhabits the world in a defensive pose. What’s the fun in being on-guard all the time?
I hope that experience now (mostly) prevents me from marinating in dislike in response to an imagined slight. I try hard to work through why I have those “ugh” moments with people, and the debugging can sometimes be to my detriment. The benefit of the doubt can become the benefit of biting you in the ass if you let it go too long. Maybe someday I’ll strike the correct balance of trusting my gut and trusting in others. For now, the latter tends to win, and I’m okay with that.