It’s true. I went through a pretty traumatic realization period over the past few months, and now I just feel sad. I think when you put so much of your identity into being a freak, and that’s taken away, it’s hard. But when you put essentially the rest of your identity into your work, and it’s not what you expected or wanted or what you thought you wanted… well, that’s hard, too.
Coworkers have commented to me lately that it just seems like my spark has gone out. I’m quieter, and somewhat withdrawn. I don’t get involved in discussions like I used to. I don’t correct other people even when I know they’re wrong. What’s up with that? I just feel like my work is not as fulfilling as it once was… I don’t mean “it used to be better when I first got here” so much as “I was happier years and years ago.” Some of that is economic, some of it the change of the times. And some of it is just that I felt so much optimism then. I felt like somehow I could make a difference. Lately, I just don’t feel that anymore. I feel like the things I do don’t matter at all. And the worst of it is, I it doesn’t even piss me off that I feel that way. I don’t feel indignant or angry or anything about it. It just is, somehow.
That worries me, and I’m not afraid to admit it.