Tonight I’m depressed. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s some uncertainty about my living situation – but that will (most likely) work itself out. Maybe it’s finally catching up with me that I don’t really have that much to do to fill my hours. I guess… Hell, I know that I was working over and above what was appropriate for the last seven years or so, and I further (now) know that it prevented me from having any life outside of work. What do you do with yourself when you’re not needed like that all the time. At first, it’s been kind of fun. Kind of like vacation. But now I’m settled into it and it’s not vacay – it’s Life (with a big “L”). This is it. Big time. No do-overs.
I don’t really have any friends here. Not yet, anyway. I have “work friends” so far, and maybe some of them will turn out to be “friend friends”. But right now I feel like no one wants to be around me or spend time with me. I talk too much and I’m too overwhelming to them. And that’s just too f*cking bad, because that’s how I am.
Or, more likely, I’m just trying too hard without realizing just how hard I’m trying. It wears me out and it wears them out. I told Karen (was it yesterday) that for the most part I didn’t need too many people around. I just need my lil’ Stevie. Essentially, that’s true. But tonight I’m lonely, and I miss my friends, and I miss having someone call me up and say, “Hey! Wanna go get some coffee?” Or see a movie. Or anything.
I miss my Molly. There, I said it. I’m amazingly proud of her, and that just makes it all the more sharp of a pain. It aches. Some days it’s dull, right now it hurts more than usual.
I’m tired. So tired. I’m going to sleep for sixteen hours. That’ll show me!